Mon, Oct. 25th, 2004, 08:59 pm
My lips feel like they've been bleeding. I feel like I really don't belong at school, but I don't know where I do.. if that makes sense. I'm tired of trying to prove myself to everyone. For the first time in my depressed little life I thought things had changed for the better, but they're exactly as they have been and always will be. I'm sure of it. Tonight, today, has shown me this.
In the back of my mind I know that I'm doing the right thing, and if I throw this away it will be a mistake. I don't know what has changed, so how can I know how to fix it? I can't. The only way I know how to change this has always been inevitable, like a moth attracted to a candle's flickering light. I had thought that maybe it was school that was bringing me down. Maybe because there wasn't a soul within 62.98 miles that I could talk to. So I hid the ugly, irregular feelings in drinking and smoking, and that worked out as well as could be expected. But now the 62.98 miles makes no difference. I realize now that there never was anything great about this place, and it definitely did not hold a person I could talk to. If things had been different, I wouldn't be like this.
I want to be loved forever.
Thu, Jun. 24th, 2004, 02:00 pm
Haven't written anything in here in a while...
Besides being shafted TWICE from my "friends" for vacation..things are superb. I quit Giant, got a job at Applebee's. Finally graduated high school. Found a wonderful boyfriend, Rick. I just got my UArts stuff for housing..2 person studio apt. I can't wait to get outta this hell-hole we call Reading. Jess moved in with me a couple months ago. Things really aren't that bad anymore. Or maybe it's just today. Who knows?
Thu, Apr. 29th, 2004, 03:45 pm
1.Go into your LJ's archives.
2.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3.Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4.Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions
"I can't go to Cape Cod because Cuntface 2 is going, and girlfriend is not."
I don't have that many entries...tomorrow's supposed to be my last day at work. I have a feeling Brian will screw me over and I'll work next week. Interview at the bank tomorrow, dress fitting. Saturday, an interview at Pier One. I'd like to be outside or something right now. Or go to the beach...even if it was raining.
i feel so old. i've aged unbelievably in the past month/ week. i'm ready to move out and be on my own. or with someone else. i'm just tired of all the bullshit with high school and pety arguments. i'm ready for a life. i feel like i'm already half-way there, and i guess summer will make up my mind for me. i'm so ready for graduation. and the beach.
i think vacation went pretty well. minus mitchell's speeding ticket, and the attempted murder at nick's. and spending way too much money. and getting sick.
but what do i have to complain about? im in purgatory.
Fri, Apr. 2nd, 2004, 03:35 pm
i've been causing chaos, and pissing people off left and right!
i blew off steph to sleep, and can't even talk to her cause i'm a pussy.
i have to pee..
" i got my eggs, got my pancakes too, got my maple syrup, everything but you. "
i met a wonderful guy. 27 with a little girl. 5 years old. i don't even think i want a relationship, seeing as how im moving in 5 months.
UArts is giving me $21,000 a year in scholarships and financial aid. nice.
i have off school and work all next week. you should all hit me up.
ian's tonight. card stud queen with a knife.
emily- i haven't seen you in forever..road trip? late birthday gift? haha
Mon, Mar. 29th, 2004, 03:40 pm
(_) I never have been drunk
(_) I never have smoked pot
(_) I never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) I never have kissed a member of the same sex
(X) I never crashed a friend's car
(X) I never been to Japan
(_) I never rode in a taxi
(X) I never had anal sex
(_) I never have been in love
(_) I never had sex
(X) I never have had sex in public
(_) I never have been dumped
(_) I never shoplifted
(_) I never have been fired
(X) I never been in a fist fight
(X) I never had a threesome
(_) I never snuck out of my parent's house
(X) I never been tied up (sexually)
(X) I never been caught masturbating
(X) I never pissed on myself
(_) I never had sex with a member of the same sex
(X) I never had sex with a member of the opposite sex
(_) I never been arrested
(_) I never made out with a stranger
(_) I never stole something from my job
(X) I never celebrated New Year's in Times Square (or national equivalent)
(X) I never went on a blind date
(_) I never lied to a friend
(_) I never had a crush on a teacher
(X) I never celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(X) I never been to Europe
(_) I never skipped school
(_) I never slept with a co-worker
(X) I never have been fisted and/or have never fisted anyone
(X) I never have thrown up in a bar
(X) I never have visited a site held holy by a major religion
(_) I never cheated on a final exam.
(X) I never had a relationship with someone of the same-sex
(X) I never have been/gotten someone pregnant
Fri, Mar. 26th, 2004, 03:32 pm
yeah i've decided to update.
i haven't really been doing anything in school...besides fighting with brent haha.
i want a special journal...a real one..where i can write my deepest thoughts that make sense to only me and reflect.
tonight's the bonfire. which will be good? maybe? only if jess doesn't puke. she's such a light weight. i only fear losing control. no way im driving.
tomorrow..sleep in, drive somewhere ( any ideas? ) then maybe see the play since the schwest is in it. who knows? im really excited to blow glass with ian. maybe i'll make something useful. haha. jons here.. must leave.
Stolen from Jeremy..who gives a fuck?
I AM:: nothing.
I THINK:: next year couldn't come faster.
I KNOW:: this life was a mistake.
I WANT:: to be amazingly and soberly(sp?) happy.
I HAVE:: a pack of cigarettes.
I WISH:: things could go everyone's way at least once a week.
I HATE:: not being able to sleep
I MISS:: my old house.
I FEAR:: being this bitter and cold for the rest of my life.
I HEAR:: voices at sleep.
I SEARCH:: for that "special someone"
I WONDER:: if my tongue will ever heal.
I REGRET:: not sitting next to the teacher in first grade on the bus.
I ACHE:: every day with an empty feeling in my chest.
I CARE:: about persons and not people in general.
emo enough for ya bitch?
Thu, Feb. 12th, 2004, 03:06 pm
I logged in to read Kevin's journal (friends only) and what do i get? NOTHING!!! UPDATE!!!
So I'm sick. But it serves me right I guess. I'm forcing my health to go down by smoking, smoking, and drinking. Whatever. I miss Steph and Amanda. I hate working. I want to live at Kik's with her and Nay, Tab, Lukasz, Jackie, Kia, Pati, even big Billy. New classes are going smoothly. One month will be a year since Matt and I broke up. That's hard. It feels like less than that. I hate Valentine's Day. A wise man said "Smoke up and get laid"--See you in Kutztown.
A beer will definetly help this sore throat.
Sat, Jan. 24th, 2004, 11:03 am
I got into Uarts, thank goodness.
I got a tattoo on Tuesday.
I've lost everyone and everything close to me. I don't know what happened either. Is it because I work too much? My parents won't even talk to me. It's not even a relationship any longer. My friends treat me like an old memory. What happened guys? I miss last year more than anything. I'm supposed to be happy now, and for the most part I am. I just feel as though I've been pushed aside. I could deal with it next September, but it's killing me now. Tell me what's up.